Matthews Safari: A Crawling Tour...by Sylvia

Today we will be exploring a wild and treacherous land known as "The Matthews Home." My name is Sylvia and I will be your tour guide this afternoon. (Spoken in a highly affected British accent).




Notice to your left the hind quarters of a ferocious animal the natives refer to as "Bobo." Rather a ridiculous name, if you ask me, but what can you expect from people who use their feet to walk around on. Everybody knows that feet are meant to be sucked on, anything else would just be vulgar.



Moving on. Oh my...hmmm...it appears as though the Redheaded Milk Machine has not mopped this floor in weeks. It is exceptionally deplorable. I did warn you that this was a treacherous place.



Ah, we have now come upon a truly majestic creature; full of both terrifying mystery and irresistible fluffiness. If only he would let me grasp him for just a moment...Alas, every time I get close he looks at me with contempt, bites my arm and scampers away. I have heard rumors that the animal is possessed of an evil spirit, inflicted on him by the Bald One's constant abuse.

I can see how this is possible; I too am often a victim of this man.






Never fear, one day he will be paying my therapy bills.



Oh, I see we have come to the dangerous precipice. One must navigate carefully.




Slowly...

Slowly...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I curse you, unfinished and useless step! Why must you impede my journey into the land of moving pictures?

Oh. You saw that? Well, perhaps we better conclude this crawling tour. As you can see, the peril is great. Maybe at some later date we can explore the black snakes that grow out of the wall or the green bowl that holds those delicious brown pellets.


Until next time.